I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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