if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
