he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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