you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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