so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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