Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
