the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize