and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
