You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
