Just fell off a train. Bad.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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