Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
