u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
