remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
