I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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