my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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