where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
