I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
