Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize