when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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