its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize