Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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