1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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