Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
