hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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