i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize