It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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