ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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