I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
