I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
