If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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