Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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