I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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