You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
