I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
