my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
