you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
