i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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