I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Randomize
