i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
