Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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