he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
