Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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