Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
