I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
