Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize