My hair reeks of homosexuality.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am one with the molecules
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
