my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
