i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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