I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
