porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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