I am midnight drunk by noon
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
