turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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