I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
