Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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