my phone needs a breathalizer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
