She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
