I am puke
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
