Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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