He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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