I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
