I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
