I think im going to throw up on grandma
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
