i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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