it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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